a heavier post - and why I got my nose pierced.

This is not my usual kind of post. I rarely express my true feelings about things online, as most of those things don't really need to be shared. I try to keep myself as positive as possible on this blog especially, as I know you get back what you put into the world. I'm a bit more sassy on the twitter and the tumblr, as most everyone is, but being such a significant part of my life, I would like to share this with you.

Last night I got my nose pierced, seems like a simple thing. I’d been considering it for a while anyway. A second of pain with some jewelry in it, no big deal.

On the contrary though, last night was a really big deal for me. I almost don’t know how to explain it. The Saturday before last, I lost one of the dearest people in my life. Someone I’d known since birth, someone that was always proud, loving, and affectionate to me. Almost like an uncle or young grandfather, a man that would always call me beautiful, ask me to sit by him at the table, and call me his “date,” someone that kept a photo of me on his mantle, someone who drove me to school when my parents couldn’t. I got the news after work that day, my dad had found him, as they were supposed to have had breakfast with a group of their friends that morning.

The funeral was this past Friday. It was beautiful, but the man in the coffin wasn’t my friend. It was almost like someone I’d never seen. A pale, pointless body, with no signs of the person I had loved.

I haven’t really had anyone to talk to, nobody seems to really understand. I’m not really so sure I’d talk if I had the chance anyway. I get a “that sucks” or an “I’m sorry” but nothing really seems genuine to me.

I was home alone all day yesterday. I hadn’t seen my parents, as they left before I woke up. I drove back to the house I share with my roommates, and I stayed in bed for the day. I felt like I was rotting there, but no matter who I tried to get in touch with, I couldn’t find a thing to do. I went to the bookstore by myself, but couldn’t find anything worth reading. I wasn’t hungry, so I didn’t eat.  I sat in my car, kept the engine off, and scrolled through pages of twitter mindlessly. Then went home.

About an hour later I started getting really itchy. My roommate was in her room and I tried to get in a few words, asked if she would maybe watch TV with me or something, but that got no response.

So I decided to go get a tattoo.

I was going to get the words “be still” somewhere on my left arm. I wasn’t sure of the specifics. The quote came from his funeral service. It’s from the part of the bible that says “Be Still and know that I am God.” I’m not a very religious person, but those two words held a lot of meaning to me. Be still and reflect on all the important, beautiful things in life. Be still, take a breath. Be still, you are okay. Be still, and know that I am God.

I talked to the artist, and since they were closing within the hour, there was not enough time for my tattoo, so I asked for a piercing instead. I’m not sure why I opted for body modification on a whim in this situation, because I’m not usually one for impulsive behavior. Especially when it involves something permanent like a tattoo.

Tonight, I’m feeling a tad better, but I’m still itching to do something other than sit in bed. It upsets me that the only thing I did today was a 7 hour shift at work. I was going to head to a friend’s house, but that didn’t work out.

Healing is definitely a strange and difficult process sometimes. I do know, from experience though, that time heals all wounds. Maybe not completely, and definitely not quickly, but they heal. One thing that is keeping me in higher spirits, is that I know I have a whole group of loved ones looking down on me, and that I can keep them close to me in the memories we shared.

Like I said, this is definitely not the kind of thing I usually post, and I will get back to the cupcakes and the makeup reviews very soon. Just know that you are not alone in any kind of pain you feel, and that you can get through anything life throws at you.

Thank you for reading this, and much love to all of you.
Jess.